‘For once, these men are the objects;
I am the subject. Me, me, me.’

Journalist and influencer Rosemary Mac Cabe was always a serial monogamist – never happier than when she was in a relationship or, at the very least, on the way to being in one. But in her desperate search for ‘the one’ –- from first love to first lust, through a series of disappointments and the searing sting of heartbreak – she learned that finding love might mean losing herself along the way.

This Is Not About You is a life story in a series of love stories, with each chapter dedicated to a different man. There’s Henry, with the big nose and the lovely mum, with whom sex was like having a verruca frozen off in the doctor’s surgery: ‘uncomfortable, but I had entered into this willingly’.

There’s Francis, who was married. There’s Luke, who gave her a split condom…. And then there’s Brandin — Rosemary’s husband and the father to her son. This is Not About You is the story of one woman – and, in a way, every woman – and her quest to find her happy ever after, no matter how high the price.

Not only a gripping and humorous telling of one woman’s experiences with men, This is Not About You is also an important commentary on consent and confidence issues in young women. Witty, relatable and honest, This Is Not About You will appeal to fans of Dolly Alderton, Nell Frizzell and Bryony Gordon and is a powerful memoir menmoir from a renowned journalist, influencer and podcast host.

Guest Post

“I was born in Dublin, grew up in Kildare and then returned to Dublin as soon as I could afford to, and lived there until, in my 33rd year, I upped sticks and moved to the Midwest, to spend some time with my sister. Then I met a man and, well… here I am, with a husband, a house, a baby. I guess I live here now.

“My parents’ house in Kildare is full of books – I can’t remember a time when I didn’t read. I’ve always loved the power of a book to transform what’s right in front of us, and to transport us, too. They weren’t book snobs, by any means; my Dad will read pretty much anything (except, I hope, for my book) while my Mum is a little more selective. Nothing with animals as the main focus, mainly.

“I’ve known I wanted to write since I was little, too. I can’t quite pinpoint the moment I developed that ambition, or desire; it feels to me now as if it was always there. We lived in quite a rural setting, and in a way my early writing was all crafted with the intention of setting the protagonist, always a proxy for myself, somewhere far more exciting, with a thrilling, mysterious, adventure- filled life that was very far from my own.

“I guess it’s slightly ironic that I’ve now written a memoir.

“My book, This is Not About You, is a recounting of my life so far, confined only to my dating years. It’s my adulthood, broken down into the relationships that marked each life stage.

“I have always been absolutely obsessed with the idea of romance, of being desired, of loving and being loved and being chosen, I think, and this led to a sort of serial monogamy that feels, in hindsight, very single-minded. I wanted to write about this need of mine, but also about the myriad ways that women are conditioned, and often expected, to mould themselves to fit the desires and ideals of men. Or, at least, the desires and ideals we project onto those men.

“The book started out as a series of letters to all of the men I’ve dated, but I’d only gotten a short way in to it when I realised that I was going about this all wrong. My dating history isn’t, in fact, about any of these individual people – it’s about me. It’s always been about me. What I wanted, what I was willing to give and sacrifice to get it, how small I was willing to make myself in the process.

“I think the book shows an evolution, of sorts, a sort of kernel of wisdom that grows with each passing year – but it also shows the kind of snakes and ladders quality of life, that, no matter how wise or strong or brave we get, we’re never far from a moment where we’ll lose all of that and go sliding right back down to be the person we were in our teens or twenties. Our insecurities and perceived shortcomings are never far from the surface.

“I’d like to think the book will be relatable to a lot of women – but also, that it will be helpful for a younger generation of women who are still grappling with a lot of the issues that I grappled with, as I was going through those formative years of adolescence and young adulthood: self-worth, consent, sexual pleasure and fertility.

“I learned a lot about myself through reading the book, and not all of it was good – but it was very honest, and I’m hoping that’s something people will recognise, and maybe give me a little more grace than I gave myself.”

Many thanks to READ Media for inviting me to share a guest post from This is Not About You.

About the Author

Rosemary Mac Cabe is a journalist, writer and podcast host from Dublin, Ireland. She has written for publications including the Irish Times, Irish Independent, Irish Tatler, IMAGE, Irish Country Magazine, STELLAR and more. Her work was featured in the mental health anthology You, Me & Everyone We Know, published by Inspire Ireland. Rosemary has over 43k followers on Instagram and hosts a successful podcast with her sister: Not Without My Sister. Rosemary lives in Indiana, US with her husband and sons. This Is Not About You is her first book.