She will leave your surfaces sparkling.
But she may well leave you dead…

Maria is a good woman and a good cleaner. She cleans for Elsie, the funny old bird who’s losing her marbles, with the terrible husband. She cleans for Brian, the sweet man with the terrible boss. She cleans for the mysterious Balogan, with the terrible neighbours.

If you’re thinking of hiring her, you should probably know that Maria might have killed the terrible husband, the terrible boss and the terrible neighbours. She may also have murdered the man she loved.

She didn’t set out to kill anyone, of course, but her clients have hired her to clean up their lives, and she takes her job seriously – not to mention how much happier they all are now. The trouble is, murder can’t be washed out. You can only sweep it under the carpet, and pray no one looks too closely…

My Review

Having read both of Tina’s other novels, I knew what to expect. It wouldn’t be ordinary, the humour would be dark and the story wouldn’t pull any punches. And I wasn’t wrong.

Our main protagonist is Maria – a cleaner. But she’s no ordinary cleaner. She’s very good at getting blood out of the carpet and bodies out of the house. She could make a career out of it, if she didn’t feel so guilty.

First there might have been her traveller husband Joby, the love of her life, but initially there are only vague references to what may have happened.

Then there is Nick, the on-off husband of the old dear she cleans for. That’s Elsie, and Maria is fiercely protective of her. Because Elsie has dementia. Sometimes she’s as happy as Larry, singing and dancing and swearing like a trooper. At other times she thinks Maria is her dead sister Violet.

Elsie has four cats and she loves them all, though Sweetie is her favourite. Nephew Del wants her to go into a care home (he’s after the house). Nick is getting off with the bird from the betting shop (but he also wants the house). Maria will do anything to help Elsie stay in her own home – it’s about the cats mainly, but also because Nick is currently pushing up the daisies – well the roses actually, so all he’s going to get is black spot and powdery mildew.

Maria also cleans for Brian, who hates his horrible boss, and for the mysterious Balogan, who is seriously scary. But Maria is also scary, but only if you cross her. So don’t make her angry – she won’t turn green and tear her clothes. But she might just kill you.

At this point I must say that the way Tina writes about dementia is both sympathetic and insightful. It will bring tears to your eyes. It’s also so full of pain, that at times it seems personal.

Many thanks to The Pigeonhole, the author, and my fellow Pigeons for making this such an enjoyable read. And to NetGalley for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

About the Author

Tina Baker, the daughter of a window cleaner and fairground traveller, worked as a journalist and broadcaster for thirty years and is probably best known as a television critic for the BBC and GMTV. After so many hours watching soaps gave her a widescreen bum, she got off it and won Celebrity Fit Club. She now avoids writing-induced DVT by working as a Fitness Instructor.

Call Me Mummy was Tina’s first novel, inspired by her own unsuccessful attempts to become a mother. Despite the grief of that, she’s not stolen a child – so far. But she does rescue cats, whether they want to be rescued or not.

Nasty Little Cuts was her second novel. Make Me Clean is her third.